An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but so does not having health insurance. I bet that's why homeless people always seem so healthy.

Note to self: Do not bring meat to cook to Teppanyaki restaurant ever again.

I like fashion as much as the next guy, but you'd have to be crazy to wear a straightjacket.

The first thing I would teach in spy school is keep your trenchcoat collar up and always wear a fedora. You'll really blend in that way.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. But walking through a dark alley at night is a completely different story.

She argued with him because she thought he was too rude. But when he asked her to please shut the hell up, that didn't help matters.

The party was going great until the foreign girl asked him if he is a racist. He explained that he was a race car driver and everyone laughed at the foibles of translation. Later that night, he burned a cross in her yard.

If the monster under the bed ever comes out, I'd offer him a big sandwich. That way, he'd be too full to eat me. And we can play Xbox.

If aliens are so smart, why don't they speak with a British accent?

The next time your boss is being ornery, fussy or cranky, try breastfeeding him.

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have bronchial asthma.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you might bore him to death.

Because fishing is boring.

The next time someone says to me "Hey, that's the way the ball bounces," I think I'll find a ball and hit them in the face with it.

Doesn't matter if you're filthy rich or dirt poor, you should still take showers.

Milk does the body good. Unless you're lactose intolerant. In which case, soy milk does the body good. But not the taste buds.

It's gross.

Of all the people I know, only 4 are a**holes. Which ain't bad if you don't think about it.