When Jesus comes back, I bet he lands some place warm. That way he can wear his sandals and robe and maybe have a cookout before he gets down to business.

I'm not a big conspiracy guy, but someone needs to look into the fact that mini vans are about the same size as regular vans.

Larry knew he picked the right college when he saw pornology on the curriculum. But Larry was always a wishful thinker and a poor reader.

I hope the day I find a bottle with a Genie in it that I'm in a good mood. And you better hope so, too.

If you see a homeless panhandler begging for food in the middle of winter, I think it would be funny to ask him "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" But then don't give him one no matter what he does. Get a job, ya bum!

If I were stranded on a desert island and I could only have three things with me I'd pick a cell phone with unlimited range, a yacht with four high definition TVs, and maybe some barbeque Pringles.

It seemed like the preacher was speaking directly to me. Then I realized I wasn't at church, but my DUI sentencing.

I was having a conversation with a famous comedian friend of mine when the subject turned to making people laugh. I said the key is good timing. He said that "The key to a proper comical antic does not lie in the complexities of temporal arrangement, but rather flawless execution, especially when expressing jocularity via triviality, diversion or witticism."

He then proceeded to smash a watermelon with a mallet.

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When little Johnny's mother told him he could be whatever he wants when he grows up, he told her that his dream is to be a slave master. But there's no school for that.

If you're a pretty white girl with aspirations of being on TV but you can't seem to catch a break, try getting kidnapped.

Froot Loops taste like gay Cheerios. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Sometimes I wish I was a robot. That way, when people push my buttons, lasers would shoot from my eyes. And maybe I could be on The Tonight Show.

At a party recently a friend of mine was bragging about how smart her little girl is. She told me her little girl could answer any question. So I asked the little girl her theory on how and why Santa Claus was murdered. You should have seen the look on that little girl's face. I stumped her ass.

People probably just threw some sort of large cloth over tables before tablecloths were invented.

Love is never having to apologize for farting, which you do a lot.
Love is keeping your patience, with me and our little snot.
Love is eating dinner all up, even though I really can't cook.
Love is using that cute voice, when you read our son a book.
Love is what we'll always have, something they can't take from us.
Don't you think it's really funny, the way Jasiah says "school bus"?

Happy Anniversary.

You know who'll never be the best? Number 2 pencils.

They laughed when the old lady slipped and fell on the ice. But I didn't. Not until no one could see me.

An animal stole your wallet. Was it the monkey or the giraffe? Neither. A badger did it.

Wearing glasses can make you look smart. Scratching the answers to a test on the lenses can make you look really smart.