I think there's too much sex and violence on cell phones these days.

One way to get your husband's attention is to set his mistress on fire.

Wherever he is, I bet Bin Laden still gets his "800 free minutes of AOL" CD in the mail.

When Gus asked if he could give him a back rub, Henry thought this place was just like his old job at the massage parlor, besides the barred cells and bunk beds.

Wonder if white sheep think all black sheep look alike.

He could tell by the look in her eyes that she had conjunctivitis.

Whenever I ask my best friend for a favor she just looks at me funny. That's when I wish my best friend was a person and not a bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup.

"Botox!" the raisin shouted suddenly.

What if you were trapped in a building with a janitor and a rhinoceros was chasing you and the janitor had his big key ring with all those keys and was too nervous to figure out which key to use because the rhinoceros is coming but when you turn to look it's just some kid playing with a stuffed giraffe? That would be a good movie.

You ever notice?

One of the worst things that can happen is your dentist showing up late for your root canal then telling you all about how he's also a proctologist and didn't have time to wash his hands.

They should put "NO HUNTING" signs in my neighborhood because how was I supposed to know?

Last night my friend Crazy Craig asked me to go to the museum with him. I was skeptical. It was midnight and the museum was closed, and I saw Crazy Craig put a knife in his pocket. But I decided to go. Turns out Crazy Craig had left his wallet at the museum earlier and a security guard was holding it for him. That's when I learned that not all people with the word Crazy in their name rob museums, but they do stab security guards.

Here's a fun game for the kids. Step 1: Go outside and make a gun out of snow. Step 2: Spray paint the gun black and put it in a freezer for an hour. Step 3: Take your gun and slowly walk up to a cop while aiming it at him.

For even more fun, substitute a cop with an armored truck.

When Tom started his new job at the office, the team decided to take him to lunch. He told his new friends of his world travels. "Niger," Tom said. "You ever been to Niger? It's a country in Africa." Then, he realized he might be pronouncing Niger wrong. But it was too late. And that's the story of why we don't invite Tom to lunch anymore.

If I'd been working on the railroad, all the live-long day, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feel like singing about it.

Honey Bunches of Hall & Oates. Think about it.

If you spill grape juice on your picture of Jesus, is it sacrilegious to replace the picture with your Barry Gibb album cover?

I hope I'm alive when they prove Eskimos really exist.

Let's say your friend owes you a hundred bucks, but he's always saying he'll pay you next week. Now you want to do something to hurt him, but you still want him to be your friend. This could work. Go to your friend's apartment with a brick and knock him out with it. Then, set his apartment on fire. When he comes to, be standing on his burning couch dressed in a red jump suit with pointy-ears and a pointy-tail. And be holding a pitchfork if you can find one. Then say "Give me one hundred dollars and I'll set you free." But don't accept a check from him. He is a deadbeat, after all.

The doctor wasn't embarrassed by her queef. He was just surprised it blew his toupee off.

I'm no historian, but chances are the first caveman to eat dinosaur meat got a tummy ache.