If I were a super villain I'd name myself Pussy McCoochie-Snatch, that way, when the cops come after me, at least they'd do it with a smile on their faces. Unless one of the cops is a woman. She'd probably think it was sexist or something.

Women are like fish. It's hard to tell when they are crying underwater.

Here's something I learned recently. Putting four contact lenses in each eye does not give you super vision, but putting five in each eye does.

After one look at the team photo, I realized that the "All-Blacks" is a very deceiving name for a Rugby team.

When little Freddy said, "The Easter Rabbi is here" everyone was about to correct him until a man with long hair, a beard and a robe appeared from above. Drunk uncle Joey had fallen down the stairs again.

No matter what you're doing, you should always give 110%. Unless you're giving blood.

If "The Jetsons" has taught us anything about the future, it's that the white supremacists win.

An old friend of mine had an idea. "Socks, but for your hands." I laughed until the day I heard he died of chaffed penis.

How are gardeners and pimps alike?

They both wear big hats, use hoes and have slaps named after them.

Turns out that wasn't a collection plate, which explains why it was full of cigarette butts.

Wait a minute, you're supposed to put money IN the collection plate?

Holy Bible, Batman!

A Chinese man, a white man and a black, African Amer, Afro, Neg -- ahh, forget it.

Answer: Take a nap right now or the monster under your bed will eat you and all your Baby Einstein DVDs.

Question: What is something you should never say to a 2-year old kid to get him to take a nap?