TODAY'S HEADLINES:

Illiterate Man Sues Makers of M&Ms, Says Bag Was Red And They Tasted Like Skittles

Crack down on Illegal Immigrants Threatens New Season of Dora the Explorer

Man Wears Wristband On Forearm During Pickup Basketball Game, Still Can't Shoot

Rapper Caught On Video Using Full "ing" Suffix.

Minnesota Woman Not Attracted to Bald Men, Moves

White Guy Messes Up Handshake with Black Guy

Autopsy On Dead Crackhead Inconclusive

Alleged Cavity Creep Arrested

Teenager Murders Six, Angry Because He Was One Away From Helicopter

3 Year Old Contemplates Where to Put Booger

Black Man Enjoys Vegetables, Chastised By Community

Gay Hippopotamuses Upset Over Lack of Rainbow Colored Hungry Hungry Hippo

Creator of Coupons Found Beheaded, Gets 10% off Funeral Services

Easter Bunny Fights For Rightful Place in Bible